A tale of magazine covers, jealousy, and backhanded compliments that’ll make your head spin faster than Meghan Markle ditching her Royal duties. Oh yes, the Duchess of Deception from Montecito is at it again, along with her hapless husband, Harry. This is going to be fantastic, so strap in!

Princess Catherine, our future Queen, the Grace of the nation, and the mother of the heir and the spares, has just landed herself on the cover of Vanity Fair. And this isn’t just any old cover – it’s the second major publication in a month to put Kate’s face front and center. Meanwhile, our dear Meghan is probably sitting in her Montecito mansion, scrolling through her phone, wondering why her Google Alerts for “Meghan Markle magazine cover” haven’t pinged since… well, can anyone even remember?

I know what you’re thinking: “But Ben, surely Meg’s been on some covers recently?” And to that, I say, unless Yacht Weekly or Chicken Coop Quarterly count as major publications, I’m drawing a blank here. The last time Meghan made headlines was probably for something she said on that podcast of hers. Let’s be real for a single second – this has got to sting for Meghan. I mean, this is the woman who thought she was going to revolutionize the monarchy, the American actress who was going to drag those stuffy Royals into the 21st century. And instead, well, you won’t believe what’s happened – she’s writing children’s books, planning her next tell-all interview, and trying to remember which of her 16 bathrooms she left her tiara in.

But here’s where it gets juicy. Vanity Fair, bless their hearts, couldn’t just give Kate a straightforward puff piece. No, they had to throw some shade. They’re talking about how the Palace didn’t have a game plan for dealing with the health crisis of King Charles. Excuse me, what kind of game plan were they expecting – a Royal Decree announcing, “Save the day, King to get cancer in March, Catherine to follow in April”? Come on, Vanity Fair, you must do absolutely better than that.

And then they have the audacity to suggest that the monarchy looks vulnerable now. I’m sorry, but these people have been living under a rock. Prince William’s been out there, holding down the fort like a boss. The man’s been juggling Royal duties, family, and probably trying to figure out how to block his brother’s number at the same time.

Let’s break it down, shall we? Vanity Fair says, and I quote, “for once, the Palace did not have a game plan.” Well, excuse me for thinking that when someone gets diagnosed with cancer, the game plan is usually “get treatment and get better.” But no, apparently, Vanity Fair thinks the Palace should have a PR strategy ready to roll for every possible medical diagnosis in existence. What’s next, a wall press release for Charles’s next colonoscopy?

And then they hit us with this gem: “the mighty House of Windsor, which not long ago had the world’s longest-reigning monarch at its helm, suddenly seemed very vulnerable.” Vulnerable? Are we watching the same monarchy? Last time I checked, Charles was still King, William was still there, and the line of succession was still intact. What exactly is vulnerable about that?

But wait, it gets so much better. They then go on to say, “without Catherine, it all seems rather off-key.” Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the monarchy was a soul that needed Catherine’s presence to keep it from collapsing. Now, let’s talk about this “slimmed-down Monarchy” nonsense that Vanity Fair seems to think is a weakness. But let me ask you this: when was the last time you saw the Queen’s cousin, the Duke of Gloucester, and thought, “Wow, thank God he’s here, or the whole Monarchy would surely crumble”? Exactly. Quality over quantity, people. Think about it.

Who was it that, when the Oprah interview aired, aired all the family’s dirty laundry? Who was it that released a Netflix docuseries that was basically a six-hour complaint about how hard it is to be rich and famous? Who was it that wrote a tell-all book that was more about settling scores than telling its story? It wasn’t Catherine, it wasn’t William, and it sure as hell wasn’t Charles or Camilla. It was the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, the dynamic duo who decided that Royal duty was less important than Hollywood fame.

And now, while Catherine’s landing magazine covers and William stepping up to lead, what are Harry and Meg doing? Are they supporting the family during this difficult time? Are they offering to take on more duties to help out? Nope, they’re probably too busy planning their next media appearance where they can remind us all how victimized they have truly been. That is exactly what we have come to expect here.